


if anything happens

by fireandhoney



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Idiots in Love, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Reichenbach Fall, Serbia - Freeform, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28175208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireandhoney/pseuds/fireandhoney
Summary: "I needed to leave something behind, just in case. If anything happens..."
Relationships: Johnlock, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Kudos: 7





	if anything happens

No one knew  
No one could know  
You couldn't know  
I couldn't tell you  
I cannot start thinking about how wrong it all was to not tell you  
To have you believe… to have you believe it was real  
"It's all a magic trick, none of this is real"  
I tried telling you, but I couldn't   
I really couldn't  
We needed them to believe it  
And no one would believe it if you didn't  
Everything, your life, their lives, it all depended on you  
You don't know, you didn't know, but you were the most important part of this operation

They needed to believe you were in grief  
They needed to believe you thought me dead  
And I'm so so sorry, my dear Watson, but you aren't an actor  
I had to cause you real pain, real grief   
To make sure they didn't start looking for me  
I knew his network would go for you  
They'd have agents surveilling Baker Street, they'd surveil you  
They'd be monitoring your whole life, to see if you stopped pretending  
To see if I communicated with you  
I had to make sure they saw you hurt  
And for that, I will never forgive myself

I spent the first few months following our numerous leads, disintegrating Moriarty's connections from the inside  
I infiltrated groups in America, in Asia, in Africa, and after about 18 months, I finally made my way back towards the continent. Eastern Europe held many tight societies, all interlinked and with opposing leaders. It seemed the only thing preventing them from being at war with each other was Moriarty's control and with his death came a lot of confusion and fighting.   
I had to take more hits than I had originally planned. I ended up so far deep that I lost all communications with London, even Mycroft couldn't reach me there. If he attempted to, he might have compromised the whole situation. 

That wasn't advisable, as it wouldn't have only endangered me, but you too. It would have put all your lives in peril, if some part of Moriarty's web learned of my survival before I was done.   
I couldn't risk it. I'd gone through with this plan to ensure your safety, and I wasn't going to back down. 

So I went in fully, becoming one of them, doing… things I never thought I would even witness. I did what I had to do to get them to trust me. I went up in ranks, dismantled the organization as much as was possible without outing myself.   
I started feeling hope, which is always a grave mistake. Sentiment, and all. That's when things started the slip. When I thought the end was finally near, when I allowed myself one thought of home, one thought of you.   
They figured out who had ruined their attack plans and who had been hiding weapons. They cornered me and there was nothing I could do. It wasn't the first time I got caught, but it was the only time when I didn't have back up, when no one was expecting communication.  
No one would notice I'd gone missing. 

I spent more than a week in a solitary cell.  
I was starved, and thirsted. But that wasn't the worst.   
The worst was the week that followed.   
When they decided to have fun with me.  
The details aren't necessary, but I did what had to be gone.   
I took it all in.   
I put you through so much pain, in a sense, I deserved it.  
The physical pain managed to take my mind off of the sentiment, but only for so long.   
At some point, sentiment became the only thing keeping me sane. As I was hit and whipped and pulled apart, I thought of you.   
I thought of you, safe in London. I thought of you, in your chair by our fireplace, sipping a cup of tea. I thought of you, sitting at our small table by the windows, typing at your computer.   
I thought of you, running by my side through alleys and streets, I thought of you pulling out your gun as we hid against a wall, I thought of you shaking your head at a rude comment I made, I thought of your laugh when I redeem myself with a joke, I thought of your smile and the shine in your eyes when you exclaim that what I did was amazing, extraordinary, I thought of you.  
I thought of you.

I couldn't feel my body anymore,   
I was disconnected from everything, disconnected from me, but  
I thought of you  
and it kept me alive

I had to keep going  
I had to keep living  
with the sole hope that maybe one day, I could see you again  
and in the meantime, I had to be satisfied with these thoughts of you

and I wondered  
I always wondered  
if you found it  
if you found my note  
and if you did, did you understand?   
did you understand I put it there before I jumped?  
or did you think I put it there earlier? did you think it was always there?   
what did you think when you saw it? did you hope it would be more, did you think it would be an explanation? did you think it would be more elaborate?   
did you even read it?

I couldn't say anything more  
I couldn't be more obvious  
But I needed to leave something behind  
I needed to do something  
Chances were I'd never know if you found it or not  
Chances were I'd never know if you ever found out  
But it helped put my mind to ease, it helped give me courage, it helped keep the hope alive  
That maybe you found it  
and maybe it caused you pain, but also softness  
maybe it brought some relief  
maybe it brought some comfort

a simple note, hidden in the skull  
an old friend, guarding the most important secret  
a ripped sheet of paper, a scribbled few words  
dark ink on parchment  
a lifeline in death

"if anything happens, i love you"

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the short animated film "if anything happens, i love you" on Netflix, and it was well done, but what stuck much more to me was the title. The potential of that simple text, the implications of that message. And this all came out. Sherlock had a lot he wanted to say.


End file.
